Monday, April 15, 2013

More and honest thoughts about my life as I turn 40

I think I am going to start a policy of trying to have the longest post titles in blogonia.

I realized there was more I wanted to say about turning forty. Am I who I thought I would be and doing what I thought I would be doing at forty? I don't think so.  But honestly I really never had much impression of what my life would be like. The only thing that I have been sure of from a young age was the desire to be a writer. I've never really wanted a career, though I fell into one. I remember sometime in college, after I changed my major, again, what I planned to do with my life.  In answer I quoted the great American bard, Bruce Springsteen, "I want to sleep beneath Peaceful skies in my lover's bed With a wide open country in my eyes And these romantic dreams in my head". I meant it seriously. If at twenty you had asked me what three things I'd hope would be true of me by the time I was forty, I would have answered: be a writer, having fallen crazy in love, had adventures. Except for a year or so in the early 2000s I've never seriously tried to write.  I fell crazy in love once and it didn't end well. And most of my adventures where the video game kind. On a side note, knowing how to use punctuation correctly would probably help with that whole writing thing. 

I like to get all zen and describe myself as flowing water. Translated that means I am lazy and do whatever is the easiest most of the time. These are not new self revelations brought on by turning forty. About four years ago I realized the same thing.  I decided to start living with intentionality.  Having goals and trying to reach them sums up the idea. I called it the slackers guide to life. To call it a great success would be a lie, but I did learn some important points. Having goals is good. If you aim for nothing that is what you will hit. I also learned I can't change who I am fundamentally. I tend to do whatever I've formed as a habit. I can always find an excuse as to why change has to be delayed to later. On of the self-help books I read said it takes one to two months to form a new habit.  As part of turning forty I've come up with some habits I would like to form. So I am going to take them one at a time and spend a couple of months concentrating on that one habit.  Up first is writing six days a week.  Whether a blog post, personal journal, or working on a book, I have to put words on paper (screen) six days a week.

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